While Kramer fumbles through getting laid off from a job he’s not supposed to be at, most of us aren’t in accidental roles. We go in with a measure of self-worth, centered around making it through a process that qualified us. We earn the trust of our peers and the admiration of our friends and family. A job means different things to different people. For some, it’s their core identity, even if they haven’t matched it to a passion. For some, it’s a way to pay the bills while earning them the freedom to pursue a passion. For others, it could be an escape from whatever else worries them in life. Even if we manage to avoid the psychological traps associated with tying your work closely with your identity, it is, inevitably, a large part of who we are. It is a huge emotional investment, often with tradeoffs outside our control.

This is why losing a job feels like a punch in the gut. It gets to the heart of your identity and rips apart all your emotional investments over the years in minutes. If you’re lucky, you’ve got a friend on the inside, or a sixth sense that helps you prepare. However, chances are you’re sent packing in the fastest, most professional way possible, as demonstrated by Billy Beane to Peter Brand in Moneyball.

The corporate environment isn’t like the major leagues (yet), though employees are increasingly being treated as fungible ball players. A layoff can easily trigger self-doubt (maybe I’m not as good as I thought) or worse, if you’re already prone to imposter syndrome, feed into your negatively affirming bias and result in heightened states of anxiety.

Why does it feel that way?

It’s because self-esteem is a critical part of our mental health and well-being. To quote Kristin Neff from her appearance on The Hidden Brain:

Self-esteem, there’s nothing wrong with self-esteem. Self-esteem is just a judgment or evaluation of self-worth. And when you care about yourself, you’re going to have a higher sense of self-esteem. The problem is a lot of people get their self-esteem from identifying with their ego. So, I have high self-esteem if I think I’m attractive, or if other people like me, or if I succeed in business, or sports, or whatever it is that’s important to me to succeed at. And so, in an odd way, when we’re basing our self-esteem on our ego, anytime we fail or make a mistake or get rejected, it feels like a death when this happens, it feels very, very serious.

While that entire episode is worth listening to, the gist of Neff’s assertion is that self-esteem can be an unstable anchor, especially when contingent upon external validation. In practical terms, this means that if you’re constantly managing optics and perception at work, your self-esteem is contingent on how others perceive you and thus fragile. As I wrote before, knowledge is a more stable anchor in the workplace and does not require external validation.

In most job environments, getting away from managing optics and perception is very hard to do. However, applying Kristin Neff’s principles of self-compassion can help soften the blow of a job loss. Here are Neff’s components of self-compassion and my suggestions on how they could apply to dealing with a layoff.

Treat yourself with kindness

If you got the news that your best friend got laid off, would you call that friend and tell them that they were probably not worth it? Neff observes that we are often our own harshest critic while being kinder to others. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would a dear friend undergoing a similar hardship.

Recognize shared humanity

If we stop deriving our self-worth from external factors, it’s more likely that we’ll appreciate the fallibility of human nature. Instead of using others’ flaws to artificially prop our self-esteem, we can turn those flaws into a compassionate recognition of humanity — nobody’s perfect. Why blame yourself for getting laid off when your employer isn’t perfect?

Mindfulness

I find this to be the key component of self-compassion because it starts with acknowledging whatever you’re feeling. Being mindful is to take time to work through your feelings in a non-judgmental manner. I have seen many people wanting to skip this process after a layoff and quickly focus on “getting back on track.” Not spending time being mindful can result in wounds that never heal and resurface later in life.

Practicing self-compassion as described by Neff can help avoid the cycle of self-deprecation after a layoff. Mindfulness is critical to the process because it starts with acknowledging the trauma. More on that in part 2.

Rabbit Holes

Boy I had a lot of fun with this one, bringing together Seinfeld, Moneyball and psychology! While these thoughts have been floating in my head for a while, they resurfaced as I was witness to more layoffs recently — some closer to home. Kristin Neff’s thesis on self-compassion is fascinating because it gets to the origin of emotions such as shame and guilt. If you manage to chew through the podcast, there are a few other references that dive deeper into the contrast between self-esteem and self-compassion. Some other interesting topics to dig into: